Day 11 – A Journey of My Spiritual Experiences (Listen while you read)
What a culture shock. I arrived at the ashram wearing a beautiful knitted skirt and top. I was introduced to an Indian woman who took me to a store where I was introduced to a tailor. A few hours later I had two saris with under blouse. I had been assigned a shed and settled into my small bed area. The shed housed approximately 100 women; it was way different from anything that I’d ever experienced.
I donned a sari as best I could. However, a Sri Lankan woman took pity on me when she saw the untidy way that I’d managed to dress myself. She ever so carefully and gently took the sari off and placed it upon me so delicately; giving me instruction as to how to arrange it so as it would be comfortable and secure. I took careful note and was very pleased with myself when I was able, on future occasions, to don the garb by myself. I learned that very few westerners were allowed to wear the sari whilst staying in the ashram. This humbled me quite considerably.
I immediately took to settling in. I was feeling my old self again. Sai Baba had told me, during my meditations, that I would be free of the effects of the illness during my trip. I wanted so very much to believe this however, it took a number of days before I had sufficient experience to know that this was indeed the case. I did not experience any numbness or brain fog; what a tremendous relief that was.
During my 17 day stay I visited the hospital that Sai Baba had shown me in my meditation spirit journeys. His ashram was as I’d seen it and, because it was the month of his birthday, November, I also saw the procession of his gaily garbed elephants during the parade.
I wondered if I was going to be called upon to have an audience with him. Whenever I did think upon this, his face would appear with that cheeky smile and I was left wondering. During the stay he often spoke with me telepathically; we had some very lovely conversations; it could be said that I thoroughly enjoyed my stay. I learned a number of his beautiful songs, attended his daily gatherings (getting up at 4am to try to be first in line to enter the gathering place). I so enjoyed the comradery, the Indians themselves, the love, the food, the almost primitive lodgings, and the fact that I couldn’t bathe as I was used to doing. There was a water shortage and I soon learned to take a bucket full of water into the shower with me after being surprised one day by a water stoppage, just after I’d soaped my body all over. Even the toilets, being a hole in the floor, seemed such a delight to me. Being vegetarian at the time, I reveled in the food that was offered in the canteen; vegetables and other foods that were foreign to me tickled my taste buds and soothed my digestive system, which had been troubled for the past few months.
I was inspired to buy a picture of him, which showed only his eyes. As I stared into them I knew that this was to be special in some way for me. Toward the end of my stay, as I was walking along to take my seat on the earth in the gathering place, Sai looked at me from a distance of perhaps 100 metres. The energy that filled my body made me tremble. I was elated and quite frightened all at the same time. This happened three times. It was as though all I could see were his eyes. This, I realised at the time, was very strange indeed. He was so far away and yet the whites of his eyes were as clear to me as if he was standing right in front of me. Each time this happened I had the same overpowering energy fill by body. After the third occasion I knew that this was the method of healing that I was to be given. I didn’t have an audience with him, nor was it needed. I asked him, telepathically, if I would ever return to the ashram. He replied that this was not necessary and called me mother (a term that suggested that I was, in some way, held in high regard).
Sadly I ventured home; it could have been so easy to stay. I was fearful, on the return flight, that I would feel the effects of the illness again, once I got home. It took a few days before I was totally convinced that the illness was not returning. I had been cured, so to speak.
During my stay at the ashram I bought two more saris and was a little disappointed, when on the flight home, I remembered that Sai Baba had informed me that I would receive 5 saris in total.
She sat next to me on the plane. She was sick, the flight attendant said, and asked if I would look after her during the flight. Naturally I agreed. We chatted, this lovely Malaysian woman and I. Before we parted at Kuala Lumpur she rifled through her suitcase and handed me a most lovely sari of the most magnificent colours. She said that she was most appreciative of my kindness toward her, and would I please accept her gift. How could I refuse? This was the fifth sari promised. It was a fitting end to a most wonderful experience.
Day 12 – A Journey of My Spiritual Experiences (Listen while you read)
There are many having similar experiences to myself and, as the experiences have indeed been real to me, so too are they just as real to those others. Indeed, they are as real as this computer in front of me. No-one can take away our experiences, or negate them; we are what we are because of them.
We, most of us, are very quick to judge. This is understandable as I see it today. We are geared to do just this (to make judgments). We are meant to do this because this is as we have planned this playground of delight.
To explain: We (those of us having this experience in the flesh) are perfected consciousnesses delighting in an experience that removes the ‘otherwise’ state of boredom (once perfected there is little to do). Therefore, to avoid the ensuing boredom that occurs after the completion of the perfected state, we have devised a multitude of playgrounds capable of entertaining us. One such playground is called Earth. Here we can play many roles. The current drama has, as its base, a scenario of imperfection. Within this imperfection we have the ability to maim and kill, to be dishonest and brash, to belittle, decry, harass, etc., etc. In fact, the base of this particular scenario that we are all playing is based primarily upon negativity. This has been the playground for many a year. This particular scenario has, of now, run its course, so to speak. We have perfected the playground of negativity, and now we have another scenario in mind; once again, purely as a means of entertaining ourselves.
The new scenario for the playground of illusion is to be based upon creating perfection. That’s right. Our new adventure is to perfect ourselves whilst within the flesh, upon this playground of fun.
What a relief I feel to know that we have perfected the old game. To be sure, it has been a difficult experience for those of us playing these roles, so to speak. It is a very difficult thing to enjoy the sometimes abhorrent nature of man even when one has the knowledge that this is only an illusion (as has been the case for me now for a number of years). As I have mentioned elsewhere; this illusion is (to those of us playing the game) a very real experience that none of us can deny.
However, I am very pleased to make this announcement here and now. The old is done; the new has begun.
The C.C. advises me that there will be many who will feel the need to pursue the new. They will feel that this is indeed truth. They may not be able to define it logically, nor be able to communicate their feelings in words. However, there will be an inner calling that they will not be able to deny. This is not asking that they drop all of their religious beliefs or current callings; no. This inner change will merely be the stirrings to another set of values. A set of values that include tolerance and acceptance of other’s religious understandings, social values, family set-ups, sexual preferences, and the many differences that are evident among the various forms of entertainment that we delight in here upon the Earth stage. Simple things, such as understanding the points of view that others share, will commence the change to a greater unity; the beginning of our new play.
Man has the ability to make known these changes of attitudes widely and with great speed; mainly due to the greater means of information distribution. More and more, upon the media face, we see and will continue to see greater numbers of those courageous souls standing up for those of lesser status; such as the beautiful forms of entertainment that we utilise upon the stage of Earth, known as the animal kingdoms. More and more the man in the street will call for greater justice for all; as is so evident in today’s societies. This is a natural progression to the new. The old must be debunked in order for the new to take its rightful place. We must also not be concerned by the inherent violence of these undertakings; they are the means to a greater end.
And so it is with great pleasure that I close this day’s transcript with the knowledge that the new has formally begun. Won’t you join with us in reaching for the new; the new that is our collective consciousness?
Day 13 – A Journey of My Spiritual Experiences (Listen while you read)
Today I did a surprising reflection. It was for the Dog Family in general. When doing the reflections I attune to the energy of the being and write the words that do justice to those energies.
Even whilst writing the words, I found myself in deep contemplation. Was this really true? Are we to only give 10% of ourselves to others?
Once I had completed the reflection I made the audio and listened to it a number of times. I realised that I am/was one of those who thought that I needed to give much of myself away. How much; I don’t know. However; I know that, even as a youngster, my life revolved around doing for others. If it wasn’t looking after my younger twin sisters and young brother, it was counselling my father.
I laugh inwardly as I write. I am now quite amused to see myself as a young girl of 8 or 9 at the dining table with my father trying to persuade him to have a more compassionate viewpoint toward life. In fact I believed, from an even earlier age, that my role in life was to ‘be there’ for everyone.
As a young girl I learned that my younger siblings were in my care. Wherever we went they were by my side. I took this on-board quite literally and projected this attitude into everything I did. I was always placing others first; and felt quite proud of this. How wrong, I now realise, was my attitude. I carried this same belief into all of my doings and all of my years. I can recall my mother saying to me when I mentioned to her that my first husband wanted to leave the city and move to a country town. “Well,” she said, “you have made your bed; now you must lie in it.” In other words; you must do as someone else wants you to do regardless of your thoughts and feelings. In fact; those beliefs have followed me through to today to some degree or another.
Yes, I was surprised to hear, feel and write the words that only 10% of our ‘self’ need be lavished upon others, whilst retaining 90% of ourselves for ourselves. And, what a relief! When I think upon it a little more deeply, I can see that there has been a gradual shift to ‘taking care of me’ more and more; as the past few years has clearly shown. And, if I was to search for a percentage I believe that percentage would be now very close to, if not 90/10; which pleases me very much.
I am now a lover of doing things for myself; something that took so many years to embrace. I used to think that those who spent time on themselves were selfish. Indeed, I would criticise them (within my mind) for being hedonistic. My goodness; how my beliefs have changed.
I am now appreciating that one needs love for oneself in order to do for oneself. Without self love we aren’t motivated to enjoy ourselves or do for ourselves. My life has certainly changed from the little girl who was made to believe that her only value was doing for others. Today is a bright new day, thank goodness. Today I do enjoy doing for others however; not at my own expense, as was the case of yesteryear.
During my years of counselling as a medium I toiled sometimes from daylight to well into the evening giving out information; for the most part, unpaid. I had a belief that what I had was a gift and that it should be shared with others who weren’t as fortunate as me. Today I appreciate that, if what I can do is a gift, then surely those who can draw or paint or take wonderful photographs or write wonderful novels, etc., etc., also have been given a gift. I am certain that those individuals would not feel that they must share their gift with others freely. This is a nonsense and lacks honouring the individual concerned. The same can be said for me, I realise today. And yet, for so many years, I burdened myself with the needs of others. So yes; I am coming to terms with the fact that 90/10 is a good balance.
Day 14 – A Journey of My Spiritual Experiences
During those days of going to AA meetings I began the process of learning to meditate. As I’ve mentioned, I would use the meetings to sit quietly and allow my racing mind to find some peace. A friend in the fellowship called me the human computer because, he said, my mind could be seen absorbing and calculating every word spoken. I listened intently, at first, to each speaker as they gave up their lives as an offering to the AA spirit of self-help and; help thy fellow sufferer. However; soon I began to want something different, and I appreciated that the meetings were giving me space; space to find the quiet that my mind had been capable of so long ago.
As a young girl I loved the quiet; I loved to walk by myself enjoying the peace of nature, the smell of the rain, the wind as it caressed my cheek. I loved to dwell in my own thoughts for, those thoughts were quite sweet. I had been a sweet child. I didn’t have any guile. I accepted most things about me. I understood, at a much deeper level than most however; I didn’t judge the foibles of human beings, I had an understanding of their frailties. Being alone during my walks allowed me to escape the negativities of the human existence and I would re-capture that elusive feeling of rightness.
It was this sense of acceptance that I wanted to recapture. It was during those moments in the meetings that I began to allow my mind to drift into that state of freedom. It took some time, perhaps a year, before I was able to begin to benefit from this process. I began to take this knowledge, this ability, into my day. I began to be able to switch on and off.
I had taken a job. It was so very hard to motivate myself to get back into the world. I would have preferred to just keep going to the meetings and spend my time at home; cooking and enjoying my own company. However I had a young girl and rent. I needed an income; more than the social security could offer.
It was during this period that I started to know the value of my time spent in the meetings in the silence of my mind; I was able to switch off during my work breaks. Without being able to do this I wouldn’t have survived. My brain wasn’t capable of working non-stop for a full 8 hour work day. Those moments of solitude, within my day, were life savers.
When I look back today at the process that was meditation, I realise how very important it was; it helped my nervous system, my physical body; indeed every cell of my being was enlivened by this process. It was the process by which I found the connection to my inner life; my soul life. It was indeed the beginning to another great chapter of my life. I didn’t know it then however; meditation was the key that started my inward journey; a journey without end. This journey brought me home; home to me.
Day 15 – A Journey of My Spiritual Experiences (Listen while you read)
It had a sense of rightness when I accepted the fact that I was different. I had always known this however; this was the beginning of the realisation that I was different in so many ways. I had always felt the ‘odd one out’. I generally differed in my opinions to others and wondered, for many years, if there was indeed something wrong with me.
I hadn’t realised, as a child, that others couldn’t ‘see’ as I saw. I didn’t appreciate that they couldn’t see that he or she was ‘not of good intention’.
I can remember wondering why they thought that Miss X was a lovely person when, in fact, her ulterior motive was to be cruel and hateful. I couldn’t understand why they thought Mr. X was wicked when, in fact, he was assertive and truthful. No, this wasn’t known to me until, after a number of years, I began to realise that others didn’t ‘see’ as I saw.
During my time in AA I began to know this again. This time though, I was clear headed, older and more capable of objective thinking; something that had been a difficulty for me for so many years.
Yes, the meditative process was certainly the beginning of a new way of thinking and living. I wanted to share it, and share it I did.
There were so many experiences during this phase of my life that brought me such pleasure and excitement. My daughter also experienced this phase personally. She was there, at every meditation group, listening and learning and, I believe, loving every moment.
One evening she advised me that she knew someone whose mother was having a great deal of trouble with her mind. She asked if she could be brought along to see if there was anything that could be done to help her. Naturally I agreed. There she sat, at the next meeting, very anxious and most definitely troubled. I had asked my guidance (at the time known to me as Soul Friend) if indeed I could help this woman and was given the understanding that I could. He also informed me that she had within her a spirit of a relative who had passed some time before, and this spirit was causing her a good deal of distress.
We were given to attune to the woman. I began to shake quite involuntarily and a man’s voice spoke to me. He was the spirit spoken of. We conversed for some time and I realised that he had committed suicide and he was afraid that his actions would prove a difficulty for him in regard to a reunion with his friends and relatives. I gently persuaded him that this indeed was not the case and that his friends and relatives were waiting for him to take their hands. After a good amount of time there was success. He left the woman and I saw him (in my mind) walk toward his loved ones and move off gently with them.
The woman was obviously shocked by the revelations that were forthcoming. She had known who the spirit was who had been living through her. She was also shocked because she didn’t want anyone to know that her relative had taken his life. However; we comforted her and she left a much calmer woman.
The reason that I have used this incident as an example is to show how powerful an illusion it is that we are all experiencing. There are hundreds of incidences such as this that I could write about, and many could verify the stories with their own personal experiences. And yet, some 12 years later The Collective Consciousness (the name by which I now know my guidance, The All) gave to me the understanding of this giant illusionary show that we are all participating within. Once this information was given I no longer saw spirit or talked to spirit (apart from The Collective Consciousness) because, as they advised, we are a consciousness only. The many belief structures that we are able to enjoy are just parts of the fantasy that we are currently enjoying.
Day 16 – A Journey of My Spiritual Experiences (Listen while you read)
Life has become so normal for me now. I no longer have need to know the future; as once I did. In fact, I couldn’t do anything without knowing what the outcome may be. Today, I simply do. Today, I do that which seems so average; so normal. I no longer want to engage in mind games; or nonsense of any nature. My whole life seemed to be geared to this for so many years. There was little to no spontaneity in my life; it was as if I had the need to control everything, right down to the way in which I breathed. I had to, of course; life was so unpredictable that I had an uncontrollable need to control it; certainly a dichotomy.
Indeed, there were two of me for so many years. One wanted to be free and enjoy life as I knew others understood it, free from the torments of a needy control freak. The other was the control freak. I didn’t always appreciate this, of course. I didn’t always recognise that I was controlling my life. It wasn’t until I no longer had the urge to control it that I realised the difference. Seems so trite to me today; the need to control life. It seems as though I spent so much of my energy trying to prevent something from happening or conversely, trying to ensure that a particular thing happened. A deep breath is indeed a deep breath today. It is not a contrived thing to assist me to calm down. It is not a conscious thought needed to ensure that I make it through the day in a fashion that maintains me in a centred state. No, today this is as it is; no more the control freak; no more the conscious effort; no more the need.
It is good to look back today. I don’t have any buttons left to push. My life is now an open book and I appreciate my journey with all of its trials and tribulations. Indeed, those very happenings have been the making of me. No more the unsure; no more the victim; no more the self-conscious. Today is indeed a brand new day filled with a surety that only living can bring.
I don’t mean to sound egotistical however; (and we know what is going to happen when one uses such a phrase as ‘I don’t mean to, however’). However; today I am so calm, so centred, so capable as to bring me to a state of wonder that I ‘Carolyn’ could feel the joy of this peace, this calm, as an expectation. It seems almost brash of me to say so however; (there it is again) however; I have worked for it. I have worked away at myself for so long now that I hardly recognise myself. I have toiled with my fears; my anger; my self righteousness; my limitations; my everything. I have toiled and toiled until I could toil no more, and yet I know that there is more. I know this because The C.C. have informed me that, just like a spiral that is never ending, so too is the journey in front of me.
There have been many times, over the past few years, when I have plateaued in my work of perfecting myself. I have thought, at those times, that if it didn’t get any better I would be happy. To be free of the need to be accepted; to be free of the fear of socialising; to be free of the need to be a people pleaser; to be free, to be free. I will continue to work away at my limitations. I will continue because this is as I have agreed to do. I am happy to do this as it has freed me in so many ways.
Day 17 – A Journey of My Spiritual Experiences (Listen while you read)
Agoraphobia – This word conjures up (in the minds of those who have suffered) a life of such great hardship it would seem almost inconceivable to believe that life could ever be good again.
Yes, it was during my time with my first husband. The life of ‘trying to stay up with his drinking’ brought me to a place of such personal pain; I can hardly recognise that woman as being me. She was me, and yet she wasn’t. I had become a nothing in my eyes and I’m sure, in the eyes of my husband. I had long given up the hope of having a pleasant life and had accepted that life for me was going to be a horrid affair that one day, thank goodness, would end.
I can remember when it became all too apparent that my life was over. I needed some groceries. I could no longer pretend anymore; I couldn’t bring myself to go. He said that he would drive me. I just trembled and shook and asked him not to force me, please. The gutter seemed enormously high as I reeled inside my body and tried to navigate crossing the road. There were so many things in my vision; in my brain. The cars; the people; there were so many people; too many people. The gutter approached and I wasn’t able to judge how high to lift my foot. I stumbled. He held my arm and took me safely to the shop window. I pleaded to go back; please take me back. “No,” came the reply, “you are going to go to the supermarket so that you can realise there’s nothing to be afraid of.”
No, there was nothing to be afraid of however; I didn’t see it that way. There were people; there were rows and rows of shelves; there were people; there was the inevitable loss of breathing; there were people; there was the need to speak; there were people; there was the overwhelming fear that gripped me. “Please, take me back.”
Until this moment I had been able to pretend, to a degree. I had been able to pretend that the fear wasn’t all that bad. I had been able to hide when the panic started. I had been able to stop the car and wait until my heart slowed; my breathing calmed; my head stopped pounding; but no more. Now I could no longer pretend. I knew then that nothing could ever be the same; I couldn’t get out of my home anymore; life was over.
There was so much happening at that time. My husband was constantly drinking, and generally drunk. My child needed me, and I was unable to be there. I needed someone or something to intervene in my life, and there didn’t seem to be an answer.
The gun was on his desk. He was in the front room. I picked it up and placed it to my head. I knew it was loaded; he wasn’t at all careful; he always left it loaded. I pulled the trigger. He came running into the room and grabbed the gun from me. I dropped to the floor; it hadn’t gone off. I then ran for the bathroom. This was a place where I could be safe; there was a lock on the door. I had enough consciousness to understand that I needed help. This help was not going to come from this man. I cut my wrist and brought enough blood to the surface for my need. He was bashing at the door. I opened it with some calm resolve. “I need to go somewhere,” I said. “I need for you to take me somewhere; I’m not well.”
He took me to a mental institution in Newcastle. They admitted me. I told them that I needed to be away from him for a while. They told me that I was suffering from anxiety depression, that the wards were not a place for me. “Please let me stay here for one night, please.” The ward was indeed very scary. The patients were quite scary. Most of them were so full of pills and tranquilisers that they didn’t seem present. I had to sleep next to a woman who I thought may kill me as I slept and yet; this was safer than being with him; he was scary and smelly and unpredictable; and gross. Yes, I found him gross. His drunkenness degraded him and I wasn’t able to function anymore. Yes, being in a mental institution was a far better place to be.
Two weeks later I was driving to the clinic. Whilst in the mental institution the doctor had advised me that there was a clinic where I could be helped. I rang them and they told me to come in straight away. How could I; I could no longer drive. I was so desperate I got myself to the car. A thirty minute drive took 1 ½ hours; but I got there. I was beaming as I entered the clinic; I had driven my car all that way. They seemed to rejoice with me as I told them how victorious I had been; I’d just driven my car all the way from my home; that was such a momentous thing for me to do.
They admitted me, and I calmed knowing that (at least for now) I was safe.
Day 18 – A Journey of My Spiritual Experiences (Listen while you read)
They were lovely. The psychologists were all such sensitive individuals; they belonged there working with those whose needs were great. I became quite fond of two of them in particular. One was a woman, the other a man. She treated me as one would treat a frightened animal. She saw my fear of speaking and socialising, and took the time that was needed to gain my trust. He was a down to earth personality with a tenderness not normally seen on such rugged individuals such as he. They were to become my cornerstones for the next 3 weeks.
They used the Gestalt therapy. My only understanding was that, for the first time ever, someone was truly concentrating on me and helping me to discover myself. After a few days, and still having panic attacks, I knelt down on my knees and asked for help. I had been looking out of the window at the Newcastle Cathedral and it was this that I now took to heart. I asked Lord Jesus to help me. Instantly I was in the arms of a spiritual being. He took me somewhere in space where he showed me a scene of (what appeared to be) grains of sand, or bubbles all cleaving together. He told me that they were the perfected consciousnesses who had returned home. I don’t know how long I spent with him; it seemed like an eternity and yet, by the wall clock, I knew that it had not been more than a few minutes. He told me that I was very ill, and that I would recover; although the road ahead was going to be long and hard. I asked if I could stay however; he told me that was not possible, there was still so much for me to do. From that point on I would like to say that life became instantly better however; (as the spiritual being had advised) the road was long and hard.
Three weeks passed very quickly and they discharged me. My husband picked me up and stopped by the hotel on the way home, trying to entice me to drink with him. I had determined (whilst in the clinic) that I would no longer drink with him, and remained true to this resolve. He did not like my new attitude one little bit and spent many a night trying to persuade me to have a drink with him.
(I was still having the panic attacks (a separate issue from the Agoraphobia) and I still found it very difficult to go out from my home. Social occasions were still incredibly hard; yet my resolve to ‘get well’ stirred me on to face my fears. It took nearly a decade in total, before I was free from the panic attacks and able to move about in public successfully; a decade of enormous self doubt, self learning and enduring courage.)
This marriage was coming to an end; and this made me happy and scared. We moved back to Sydney (my home town). I gave him an ultimatum: Either you go to A.A. and get sober, or we part. He attended A.A. meetings for a few months and decided that he was a social drinker, after all. He then started to go to Parents without Partners in the hope of finding a new relationship; yes, he was that immoral. He moved out and began to have various relationships with woman (like myself) who enabled and supported his drinking. As I have written in an earlier transcript; he died with sclerosis of the liver as a contributing medical cause of death.
In my confusion I attended A.A. thinking that I too had a drinking problem; and indeed I had, when with him. However; the fellowship enabled me the space to ‘get well’ (as I have also written about in that earlier transcript). It was over those years in the fellowship that the Agoraphobia and panic attacks started to abate. I was able to ‘look at myself’ through sober eyes and begin the process of ‘knowing myself’. Six years in the fellowship was an absolute blessing, leaving me with an appreciation of life, and myself, that otherwise would not have been known. Today I look back on those years with sadness; it is true, and gratitude. Sadness; because it was such an horrific fight to regain my ability to reason; to see things clearly; to learn that I wasn’t a bad person; to understand myself; to appreciate my shortcomings… Gratitude; because it gave me the time and space I needed to recover.
Day 19 – A Journey of My Spiritual Experiences (Listen while you read)
And on went the journey. Little by little I improved. A.A. had welcomed me into its fold; and I appreciated the warmth. I bathed in this luxury, as I’ve mentioned, for 6 very fruitful years. The souls that I met were generous with their time, their energy, their experiences, and their love. Yes, once again I found love. A few I remember with such love. One such man I was reminded of recently. He had taken me to see ‘The Fly’; a movie which featured during 1986. I was so terrified by this film; I haven’t ever been a lover of ‘fright’ movies. He held my arm and we both cringed together at the sight of a man becoming a fly; a very distasteful fly! He (Duncan), a man in his eighties who had been in the fellowship for some 30 years was about as distraught by the viewing as I had been. I was so unnerved by the film that I cancelled our dinner and headed for home. It is hard for me to even imagine today that such a film could reduce me to such a state; and yet, it did; such was my state of mind.
There were many others who assisted me and saw my fragility. There were also others who were a little threatened by my sobriety. Little did they know that I did not have a problem with drinking or not drinking. For me it was a case of mental health and getting myself back to being able to see again. I had lost the ability to see within my mind’s eye. I had always been a visual. I talked visually; I thought visually. I dreamed visually. If something was being explained to me I would see it in my mind’s eye. The days of over consumption of alcohol had taken that from me. I was without my known method of appreciating life and the various states of being, in which life took one. I was like a ship on an ocean without a rudder; a plane in the sky flying upside down. How incredibly lost I was without my known appreciation of life. I had to ‘think’ things through for I had lost my ‘knowing’. I didn’t know this until it was taken however; I began to realise (even more than I already knew) just how different I was. Yes, life without my usual senses to guide me was horrendous. The alcohol had removed so many things from my life; both external and internal. A healthy respect grew and grew.
Over the next few years meditating; going to A.A. meetings; gingerly allowing myself to re-introduce some sense of normality into my life began the process, not only of sobriety and all of the structure that brought to me but; also the re-conditioning of my thinking processes and the manner in which I mentally constructed my world. Oh, how lost I was without these innate processes; and oh how difficult it was to live without them.
The first time I dreamed again in colour I awoke with such a feeling of joy. I was so very afraid that I wouldn’t do that again. Oh, how I prayed that I would; it was such a delight. Over the next few years I began the return to being a visual. I can remember being in an A.A. meeting when someone mentioned Tom & Jerry. Suddenly a movie started playing in my head; I was viewing a cartoon of Tom & Jerry. The tears whelmed over; just as I feel this day thinking upon it. The tears and my throat. Oh, the pain and the ecstasy of remembrance. Such a joy to remember. I had begun the journey back to me; a me that loved to love and see things in my own mind that no one else could see. Selfish it’s true however; I am so glad to be me. My head holds such delights; I enjoy being me and I was seeing this again after being bereft of me for so many years. It was getting better and better; just as I’d always thought it would be.
Day 20 – A Journey of My Spiritual Experiences (Listen while you read)
Fairies and snakes and plants and animals; all things started to talk with me. I had begun to collect stones and crystals. I fell in love with things that came into my world over the next decade. I learned so much. I tinkered with things uncommon. I delved into things unknown. I learned about runes and numbers and astrology and fairies. One fairy, I remember, stayed with me for about 2 years. She was about 2 feet tall, lithe and gay. She would always come to me to brighten me when I felt down. And there was Donald, he came a little later. He would sing sailor’s songs. I would sing with him and feel comforted.
I had bought an Azalea. It spoke to me and advised me where it would fare best. As I understand it today; I was being shown that everything has an energy; everything has its own unique energy. All of those individuals who came to me for counselling; all of those ‘so-called’ spirits who gave me messages to give to their loved ones; each had their own particular energy. Yes, I was being taught that we each have been given a personality; an energy that is uniquely our own to experience.
S o many delights to be had; so many experiences for the asking. Yes, it becomes more and more clear to me as I write this journal.
Meditation had been the beginning of slowing my mind to the state whereby I could receive the understandings. It was the key to opening the portal between human experience and my soul’s understanding. It is my soul who today makes the choices. It is my soul who shows me the way. I have had experiences that have showed me the darkest and the lightest energies that we can experience, and I know now that they only differ by the slightest degree; neither good nor bad, just different.
How sweet to see fairies and to hear a crystal tell you that his name is Gus and that he thinks that your name is just as absurd as you think his name to be. This is what happened when I spoke to this particular crystal that I had been carrying with me. It was a rose quartz; said to be a gentle form of healing one’s self if meditated upon or carried on ones’ person. I was in the car, on my way to Queensland, when it spoke to me. “Gus is my name,” it said. “That’s a strange name for a crystal,” I replied. “Well, your name is quite a strange name to me, too.” He had an energy that belied the understanding of the rose quartz. He was rather arrogant and feisty. I began to question the understandings that I had read; and life, as I knew it, changed enormously.
She said that she had a snake in her care. She had been coming to my meditation group/circle for a few weeks and understood that I could talk to animals. I told her that it would die within a short time and that it had a kink in its body. “Yes, it did,” she said. So many experiences are rushing to my mind. Too-ra-lee, the little fairy, with her cute little dresses and flowers in her hair; singing and dancing in green forests; so sweet. Departed loved ones speaking words of love to give to their dear ones before me. Plants telling me to plant them where they could get the morning or the afternoon sun. It is now becoming so clear to me. And here I am today writing about all of these experiences; giving understanding that everything has an energy; an energy to be understood and experienced.
Carolyn Page - ABC of Spirit Talk
To read the earlier transcripts please use the link A Diary: from Day 1 – Day 10